Yesterday January 25, 2010 the whispers stopped at 11:25 am in the middle of a church service. For the first time in two years I couldn’t hear them, the pain was gone. The pastor began the sermon by asking how many of us have ever wished for death rather than face another moment in pain. I said in my mind “every night.”
The connection is still there. I thought it had resolved years ago but it’s still there. I understand now what the yellow voices are… I know now what meaning and “it doesn’t make any sense to me” mean now. 12:00 PM the yellow voices began to whisper again.
Paul himself had a “thorn in the flesh” the torn was caused by a demon. I didn’t know that… Is that what it all means? Where do I go from here? I’m so lost.
ADDITION MADE ON MARCH 1 2010 2:29 AM.
This weeks was the two year aniversery of the day I fell on my knees outside the library. On February 24, 2010 I set my resolve to get rid of the connection once and for all. The connection to me looked like a chain this time around and instead of the usual black embelical cord. Last Sunday having been the worst attack in a very long time I resolved to remove the connection on the aniversery of my conversion. I prayed as I lay in bed when His voice said to me “sleep and I’ll take care of it.” I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and went to class. On the way I remembered of the night before and asked the Lord if was really gone. He told me to look for myself. I checked with the discernment gift and only saw three links and a half broken link. I stopped and asked myself if the pain was there… And for the first time it was actually gone. The demons that came over the connection between me and Eliza are still able to influence me even if I don’t have the connection. And they come and go and have been doing so for the last few days. There are three warrior class demons all have a human shape to me much like Jimmy did.
Today was the day I celebrate my conversion by going back to the library and renewing my promise to help fight the darkness and push back the bad things. I intended to skip out on my friends at church and go to the library however on my way out I ran into my uncle and ended up staying with him and talking for a few moments then we ended up going back in the building together. I take this as a message that I’m trapped in this system for better or worse and I’m gonna just have to gird my teeth and bear it for as long as it lasts and wait to see what the whole point is.
The lord tells me that my body is so used to a lot of the physical symptoms the connection caused that it’ll take a while for all of them to go away. This morning my knees were killing me, my hands had that numb tingling feeling and the usual stomach pain applied and the usual vomiting was present. But the overwhelming mental-emotional pain that I have learned to deal with is completely gone. And I feel like for the first time in years I’m free to be myself. (I suspect the pain was holding some aspect of my personality back and that’s why I feel this way.) It’s a very liberating feeling.
On that note I have what would appear to be 13 days to finish my current lesson and start a new one.
I hear would just like to wish Eily the best in the world. Wherever she is and whatever she’s doing that pain is still present in her heart. I really did care for you my friend and I am so sorry I let you down in the way that I did, but I failed and I need to accept that horrible fact and learn to move on. By removing the connection I can already feel my feelings for you becoming more platonic than they have been. They’re so much more like memories in the distinct passed than the real bleeding wounds that they have been for me.
The Lord has told me that after I finish what I call the demon notes (the detailed biography of my experience with the supernatural), I’ll be allowed to move on for real. He even went as far as to say He’d remove the discernment gift… I’m not sure where that’s going to end up but I hope to finish the notes very very soon.
In my apologetical studies I’ve bee reading about the doctrine of the scripture and have a new epration for the teachings on verbal inspiration. Upon asking the lord he said that at least for me and my life the poem Eily wrote that I carry around in my back pocket everywhere I go has the same kind of value and I need to take it’s words to heart and burn them in to my eyes to that I never lose sight. I also need to take another look at Jesus of Suburbia in this light.
Nothing else new to report.
